She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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