So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
