I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There r osticjed everywhere
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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