so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
