today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
