Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
