She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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