I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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