btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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