i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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