I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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