I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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