I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
