Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
what day is it and did you see me today?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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