You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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