Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
