They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
