My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
