seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
