I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
