Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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