Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Define "chronic" masturbator.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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