Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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