I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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