"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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