Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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