you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
