the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
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I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
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I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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