i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
