I just pynch a tree in the face
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
