Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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