I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
