what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
