I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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