I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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