Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
