sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
