Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
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HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.