My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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