We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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