$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
