i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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