She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
