I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
