she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
