I think I won the penis lottery.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
