In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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