yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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