watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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