I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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