My girlfriend figured out who you are.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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