just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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