I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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