Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
