why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
