i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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