Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
