So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
