just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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