my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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